Lets Talk About It - From NYC w/Dana J.
Well I have some experience here. I will start off by saying if you have kids you will have to maintain being civil and if you are good friends to boot, than all the better. Will it ruin your current relationships? I got asked that question alot. I do not have kids yet, but I think that when you have kids the dynamic is changed in relation to if you maintain a closeness with no connection or reason to.
So my experience, well let me tell you something...fuggedaboutit. First of all it took a year to get divorced. He made me promise we would always be best friends and never let anybody come between us. I said ok sounds good. When your single it sounds good. I never had so many people question my relationship with him. We hung out, he was there in a second if I needed him, and we talked pretty much everyday. We had financial reasons, but let's face it...thats not why we stayed close. It was hard to break away from a relationship like that. It is comfortable, safe, and familiar. I think that is why I agreed.
I got questions like why, what for you have no kids, do you still have feelings for him, what's going on, are you going to get back together, blah blah blah. Really? Yes, we are getting remarried because the divorce thing was just an experiment and I thought I would take you for a ride before I got back with him. Than I sat back and thought about myself in that position and how I would react. I saw the other side very quickly. I understood it and decided to rethink my sarcasm. Well not really. I am a smart ass I tell people that right up front. So trust me when I tell you it is no secret that I am not shy. If I have something to say to you I will say it. I won't go behind your back and whisper, but I will whisper it to someone else. No not really :0)
Ok back to ex's. I think they can be best friends; however, whether it is a good idea is another question. I think a couple of my relationships got ruined because of it. Not everybody understands, especially if they have never been married. Like I said kids are the only exception that if someone has issues with you being friendly with your ex, than I would say go jump in a lake. Pffftt what are you supposed to do send your children via mail to your exhusband or wife so you do not have to make someone else jealous. Dude get over it and grow up. If you really do have feelings left, and no children, than breaking free is probably the best option if there is no hope in getting back together so you can move on. You will never move on by holding on to something that has let go of you.
In my case there were feelings but more like we have a history and were together for a long time and you were a big part of my life for the past almost ten years. Ahhh the memories of me wanting to kick you in the ass on occasion or see what I could sell you for on ebay. Actually I think I liked him more divorced. Does that make sense? Probably not, but I do believe being happily divorced is possible. That being said, you can't just erase it. It does take time. For me it was a very short time as I realized he was still driving me to the brink of insanity, and I could only divorce him once. Trust me, I said dude if it were possible I would have divorced you ten times by now. Next up was separation when I moved back to New York, and than complete distance by just ceasing all contact for good. That was weird at first and tough, but it was mutual.
Eventually I think it does go away naturally in some cases. I think there comes a time where you say can we really do this forever? Are we playing with fire? Are we going to lose someone we really care about? Than there is the trust issue. Now, some might say hey if you have a problem with a friendship than I am sorry. Some will fight for that without a doubt. I was like that I think for all of about two seconds. I mean honestly we talked about relationships and it got a bit weird. When he drove me back to New York his twelve year old new girlfriend called about fifty times every hour. Ok she wasn't really twelve, that was me being a smartass again. I told him do you want me to get on the phone and tell her that I don't want you and not to worry. I mean damn. She called so much that I started calling her by a nickname like she was my BFF. I so did not just say BFF. Well, I did but don't judge me! :) Anyway, as I was saying the entire situation was coming to the surface. Both of us didn't want to let go of the friendship we had; however, I do wonder what he is doing and how he is. I do wish him the best, and I probably won't hang up on him if he calls :p
P.S. I just realized that I wrote BFF in my title too. Oh yeah I said it twice. That's right. Ok now don't tell anybody. I will completely deny it.
Caio Caio
Many blessings...smile :)
D
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