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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Parental Alienation/Abuse

Lets Talk About It - From NYC w/Dana J.

This is something I wrote but for some reason can't post to the site. I would appreciate my name not being used. I hope this in some ways helps or sheds some light on this ongoing issue. Thank you!
Let me start out by saying that it does go both ways when it comes to parenting and children. Just as a child can be abused and alienated so can a parent or family member by a child taught to do so. That being said, children are such a gift and a blessing to be cherished. Ther eis nothing more important than being a parent. I do not care what you do for a living or how successful you are, your child is your world and greatest achievement.
You never truly get over parental alientation or abuse entirely. You might heal, forgive, and move on, but the inner scars will always be there. Ther eis nothing more devastating than to feel unloved and hurt by a parent you come to know as your protector. A parent is supposed to love you unconditionally, take care of you, support you, believe in you, help you, and so much more. They are not there to belittle or berate you. It is just as bad as a bully except this by a parent, which makes it so much more painful and that much more of a nightmare.
It feels like a fight to prove yourself and be perfect because nothing is EVER good enough. No matter what you accomplish, how hard you try, or what you do, you feel that you have failed. Parents need to remember that they were once a child and how would they feel if being mistreated or subjected to such alienation. To abuse or turn a child against another parent or family member is just not the right way to handle things. IT IS NOT OK to make a child feel they have to choose. Children are not eqiupped to deal with such things. There is no manual to raising a child, but there is common sense.
Being a parent is the hardest job one will ever have. Those that take advantage of it need to seek help before it is too late.

Being a child of divorce, violence between parents, and abuse in forms of verbal, emotional, physical, and mental is devestating and horrifying in all its forms. One thing is that in divorce a parent should never bad mouth another parent or make the child feel as if they have to choose. When a child is put in that position, they feel their loyalty must be geared towards one or the other. In doing so, it causes great resentment and animosity on both sides. This just adds more fuel to the fire and the child most importantly gets hurt in the process. They start to believe the lies and it just goes downhill from there. Divorce is not going to be amicable in many cases; however, the children should not suffer and both parents need to be supportive and be careful how they act or what they say in front of a child. A parents anger for another should not be geared towards the child and a child should never be used to get back at someone. I can't stress that enough!

There is not a form of abuse that is less damaging than another. Many kids put on a facade for their friends. Some of those close friends might have even witnessed some of the going one; however, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. A child is alone, angry, depressed, full of anxiety and panic, and at some point usually does not want to live anymore. The fact that jealousy at times plays a factor in abuse is even more disturbing. How can a parent be jealous of their own child or a relationship their child has with another whether it is friends or family? You should be happy people care about and love your child.
I understand that we are all human, but there is a line you do not cross as a parent. I can't explain how hard it is to pull of out of feeling you are nothing because of being told that on a regular basis. Even when you get away from that person it is as if you still hear that echo in your head for the rest of your life. You become afraid to have your own children and your relationships never last because of your past.
There were some days where you want to be alienated because you can't take it anymore. The constant abuse whether that one day it was physical or the next day verbal does not matter. It does not have to be everyday to impact a child's life so much that they feel they are ruined even as an adult. A child becomes so stressed that is impacts their health down the road if not sooner. Some do not realize that just like smoking, drinking, or drugs, that abuse can make you sick as wel. Your body becomes weak and your immune system does not function properly, you have no appetite, and so on. All these things have a direct influence on a child's health.
A child starts to possibly become aggressive themselves in these situations. They tend to eventually think they deserve what is happening to them. They might also hit things or cut themselves as a way of releasing the demonds they feel they have inside of them. They become so accustomed to this lifestyle. When they see their friends and the great parnet or parents they have, it starts to turn into envy. Even as an adult you need and want those close relationships with your parents. Who doesn't?
That one person you can always go to and count on to be there, talk too, and confide in isn't there and it is a big part that is missing from your life. There is that feeling of being alone even when you have so much love around you from friends and other family, it is not the same. There is nothing that can replace a parents love. You look to fill that void through other relationships, and some even look for parental type figures or naturally get attached to certain personalities just to get rid of that empty feeling.
Forgviveness is the first step to healing. You don't have to reconcile to forgive. It is good for your soul, your mind, and your heart. It is vital to moving on with your life. Eventually your eyes open and you will feel sorry for those who hurt you. You will wonder what made them that type of person. You will do everything in your power to NOT follow in those same footsteps. You will realize it is not your fault and you are or were a good child. Abuse does not make you a bad child. Unfortunately, children who suffer or suffered from parental alientation/abuse think this way. Their minds are clouded and they lose all sense of self and self-esteem.
If can be comopared to sitting in the dark alone or standing in the midle of a desert with nobody around to offer you water. Your lost and confused. You try to ask yourself, "what did I do that this is happening to me", "Am I being punished", or "God why me?" Those are just some of the questions a child asks when this is happening. Their trust goes completely out the window. They put up a wall and become defensive for a long period of time, which is to be expected and understood. It does not matter which parent commits the crime of if both are guilty, it does not make the situation any easier or any less harmful.
Some children act strong and push everything down inside them as if their life is fabulous, but in their room the tears flow like a waterfall. The cries tend to even become uncontrollable, but everybody still thinks you are tough as nails until that one person comes into your life that can see right through you. That is when a light is seen at the end of the tunnel. It might be a long road to freedom and healing, but it is a good feeling to have.
This problem is a never ending cycle that needs to tackled head on RIGHT AWAY! People tend to feel they need to mind their own business, but if you see it do something about it. It becomes your business when is being hurt. Those responsible just made it your business. That is the major problem nobody wants to be the one to say anything. It just takes on voice or one person to make that difference or save that child. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS HAPPENS WELL INTO THE TEEN YEARS AS WELL IN MANY CASES!
Take care of yhour children, love them, support them no matter what, talk to them don't yell, help them, be there for them, hug and kiss them everyday, know where they are and what they are doing, TELL them you LOVe them everyday, don't take them for granted, let them make mistakes, and most of all NEVER under any circumstances feel it is ok just once to hurt your child. ABUSE is never acceptable!
I wrote this not only becuase of my love for charity, children, helping others, wanting to make a difference in the lives of children woh are being hurt, being a good person, my faith, my beliefs, morals or values, but becuase I know all to well. How do I know all to well? Well let's just say I am close to this subject and will do whatever I can to help and donate to this cause to make a difference.
Check out: www. Educate, learn, and be a good parent! Great organization! High hopes will make a HUGE difference!
Many blessings and love

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