Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Mommy and Daddy are Getting Divorced!

Lets Talk About It - From NYC w/Dana J.

Many children utter these words in today's society, "Mommy and daddy are getting divorced". Children are very impressionable, easily manipulated, easily brainwashed, and very confused during this time. I hear all too many times during divorces that the children are so much more involved than they should be. In fact they should not be involved at all. The only thing that should be their concern is when to pack their bags to visit the other parent. Hostility, resentment, and anger should not be a factor. The sad truth it often is. One parent is angry and decides to take it out on the child and or use that child to exact revenge against the ex. This is outrageous and also considered child abuse. I wrote on a previous subject of parental alienation, which is a very serious problem that needs an abundance of attention. You can find a great deal of information on the following links.

https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/101180977077/
http://www.paawareness.org/
You can also follow @paao2005 on Twitter and also @KristySwansonXO as she is her husband @LloydEisler are huge advocates trying to make a difference and speak out on this topic. They are making a difference and changing lives one person at a time. They also have an account @AlienNationMe which you can follow for information as well.

As I was saying anger is usually the force behind everything that goes array with divorces. Involving the children will not make things better or easier. All one parent is doing is being a bad parent and not caring for their child. IT IS A FORM OF ABUSE! This child is being put in the middle, forced to choose, and not sure where to put their loyalties. They should never have to make this decision or put in adult situations. If you are angry than do not use your children as an outlet. Argue or yell at each other behind closed doors, but please keep the children out of your divorce. You do not divorce children. You divorce spouses. Everybody should remain civil for their sake and maintain there once happy relationships.

By using your child to alienate an ex will in the end bring nothing but suffering to not only the children but the parents as well. Adults are equipped to handle these traumas better and they should be able to take the steps they need such as therapy to get through a bad time; however, children are plagued by questions and confusion. I know divorce is hard and sad. It is an ending to a union. That being said, children SHOULD NEVER have to know what it is like. If you truly love your children you won't do this to them. You won't force them to be put in situations they can't handle. You won't talk bad or say bad thing about your ex. You won't turn them against their parent. You won't subject them to court rooms or depositions. If you are doing any of this, than you really need to take a long look at your parenting skills and dig deep into why you are doing these things. Are you doing them because they are true or want them to be true? Are you doing them for the right reasons? Are you doing them to protect your children? Are you doing it to be selfish? Are you doing it to hurt your ex? All of the answers to these questions are probably probably no with the exception of the last two.

Even if the other parent was bad you have to go about it the proper way, but I find that most of the time alienation is not because the parent is bad or deserves it. As children grow up let them decipher and make their own decisions. It is one thing if they come to certain conclusions on their own, but it is another story when someone is putting things in their head or egging them on.

My advice to to those parents or step parents who are being alienated is to keep fighting. Don't give up even when you think the child wants you to give up, because they most likely do not. They just are lost and not sure who to be angry at or what to think. I suggest parents sit down with their kids explain why mommy and daddy or splitting up and discuss how THEY feel and make it a somewhat easy transition for them. This is what SHOULD be done and HOW it should be done. Let them know they are unconditionally loved by BOTH parents. Let them know they need not be afraid and they are safe. Reassurance is the best policy in divorces for children.

Step-mothers and fathers take notes: Yes, you are a parental figure. No you are not their mother or father. Yes they will rebel. No you should not be bad mouthing or contributing to parental alienation of their biological parent. No you should not be torturing the child. No you should not make the child choose or feel uncomfortable. You are responsible in part for the care of this child; therefore, they should be treated, cared for, and loved as if they were your own flesh and blood. Do not be a fake parental figure. Be as close as you can without over stepping any boundaries or causing trouble. There is a fine line and it is hard to be a step-parent, but you can do it the right way. If you do not want children than do not marry someone who has them.



Remember what you to do your children will haunt you down the road when they get older. At some point it WILL bite you back. They might even in turn resent you for what you did. The truth ALWAYS comes out. Trust me they will realize what you robbed them of, which is the love and affection of the alienated parent. They will never accept that they grew up without that parent because you made all the decisions for them. Children are helpless. Do not take advantage of that. That is not what parenthood is all about.

  • ANGER, FEAR
  • RESENTMENT
  • REVENGE
  • LOSS
  • SELFISH
  • HURTFUL
  • ABUSE
  • TORMENT
  • DEPRESSION
  • ANXIETY/PANIC
  • STRESS
  • CONFUSION
  • ALONE
  • LOST
  • VULNERABLE
These are just some of the words associated with divorce that in turn cause alienation. Do not let it define who you are or how you raise your children. Never let your emotions get the best of you, because they can be poisoning not only to you but your children. Look in the mirror once in awhile. If you start to not see the parent you were or do not recognize yourself, than you need to evaluate the harm you might be inflicting.

Huge and kiss your children, love them, and appreciate them and every moment they share with you!

Many blessings xo Smile :D
Caio
D

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