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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Can You See Me? Can You Hear Me?

Lets Talk About It - From NYC w/Dana J.

We often wonder who can actually truly see us. Not the outside, but deep inside of us, and do they even want to see us. Do they know who we really are? Do they care? Do they see what I have accomplished or my pain? We all are looking for validation on something whether we realize it or not and these are the questions that we often ask ourselves. We want to be validated in marriage, in divorce, or any relationship for that matter. We want those we care about and love to notice and see us for who we are and be there. Who doesn't want love like that from our friends and family.

I know when I tell my friends or family I love them or I am there for them, it is because I do with my entire heart. I don't say it because it is custom, I feel sorry for them, pity them, or I know it is what they want to hear. This is my way of showing that I see them and acknowledge everything about them. We all want to be heard as well and have our backs when they are supposed too. If someone who tells you they are there for you and than not ever there for the handoff, than you can most likely assume its just words and not truth. Nothing should ever be said that is not meant from the heart and comes from love.

If you call, of course you want them to answer. Though it might be innocent, when they do not you than blow up for no reason. I am sorry soon becomes your mantra. I mention this because I have done this recently to more than one person. It is something that is not even recognized until you are apologizing for not being understanding or having patience on them getting back to you. There are times we come across as angry and say things we do not mean. I know damn well I can relate. You can only hope they are real enough to know you well and understand. It is all good and nothing has changed. What this boils down too for most is being seen and heard. I don't mean being heard in the sense that you want to bitch and complain, not listen, or explode. I mean "HEARD"!

That being said, this is who you are and if they are a good friend they except it, deal with it, and move on. We can all be a little wacky, off balance, angry, or a hot mess. They will forgive you. After all, I am sure they have been there or have done it more than once in their own life. If they say they haven't, than that might be questionable. I'm just saying :). However, what we don't realize is that that person might be struggling and can't. If you feel ignored, you need to think about what that person might be going through in their own life and be sympathetic. Try to be there for them. Don't be selfish, because these things go both ways. Be there for each other and work together. Yes, there will be times people just don't want to bother or ignore you on purpose, but there is no way of truly knowing that for a fact unless they tell you or you know that person well enough. Even than, there is still doubt that you might be wrong.

Reaching out is crucial because you will find most times people are not going to chase you. Some will if they can because they care and love you, but why should they have too? How do they know something is wrong unless you talk to them? They can't chase you around if you are unwilling to open up or call out to them.  What happens is than they call you to say what's up and you go off on a tangent from holding it in. Well why didn't you call me? What happened? Oh I didn't want to bother you and blah blah blah. This is what drives people nuts at times. I know it does for me, and the people I have done it to. If you do reach out sometimes you won't get an immediate response because they fear maybe they can't be there they way they need too due to something they are currently trying to do for themselves. That is not being selfish. They will be there when they are ready. I am realizing that I work this way and the people around me do too. We are there for each other; however, sometimes not in full capacity or as much as we normally would be. How can you be there and help if are not doing that for yourself? You can, but advice might be biased, judgmental, skewed, or too harsh.

Oprah recently did a life class on this, and it sure did open my eyes. It confirmed that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be seen and validated. We all look for that in some form. I know I want the people around me to know "I SEE THEM"! In fact I make sure they know by showing them through words or little gestures. At that moment I know that they know "I SEE THEM"! In my own person life I know who really sees me and who does not. It is not a negative thing unless you are beating a dead horse or taking advantage of a situation.

For example, If you truly are done with a person than let them go. Don't hold on and create more hurt or try to be validated by a person that can't give you what you need. You are wasting precious moments of your life by trying to show another what you know to be true. What is really important is that YOU know the truth. If you don't want to "SEE" a person anymore let them know in a nice way, and I don't mean that in a literal way. Letting someone believe that they are part of their life doesn't help matters. Everybody deserves to be seen. You can't play with another's emotions or heart because you feel obligated or bad. You might be thinking you are doing a good thing, but you're not if there is no real relationship there on your end whether it be romantic, family, or friends. It is never a good thing to lead a person into betrayal or lies.

If your reasons are ALWAYS that you are too busy and don't have time, than you need to check your schedule and make time. Too often people say this. It is called time management skills. Take a class! One day we will turn around and those people will be gone or too busy for us. Near or far stay in touch, and let that person know you "see" them. I have seen in all too much through my own life experiences and those I know. I have even heard myself saying I am busy I will call tomorrow, I am gonna get back to you, we will talk soon, and any other reason to postpone. Sadly in some cases, a friend or family member passed away, and all I thought about was I should have called or visited. It would have so much easier to chat every so often, shoot a text, and email. It doesn't matter how long or the exact day or time people, but don't let time slip away. Time is precious. You never know what the next day will bring, and you don't want to say what if or I wish. Eventually, you find yourself having regrets.

We all have lives and are busy. Some have more hectic schedules than others or demanding jobs or lives, and that is ok as long as you take the time to slow down and not forget what is important in life. There are times I am very busy or tired and I don't want to talk, text, or email anybody. We all get in those moods. I recently had a friend tell me she felt blown off. This is one reason I chose to write this blog. Did I feel bad? Heck yes! Should I have? Not really because I was going through something, and I wasn't in the right mindset. I realized it was just her way of feeling that I don't see her. She knows damn well I do, and all was fine after we had a nice talk. I recently did this myself to a friend. I felt blown off by another and took it out on that person.

Being seen, heard, and validated is not exempt from any relationship new or old. There are times, as I said above, no matter how hard you try a person won't see you or validate you. That is when it is time to move on. We would need to accept that and respect it.

Being seen is about depth not what you can see with the ordinary eye. It is about understanding, compassion, and love.

Be Blessed
D :)

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