Lets Talk About It - From NYC w/Dana J.
The moment I heard that she was moved to another room I knew. I knew from the very beginning that our time together would be more important than it ever was before. I felt as if I was in a race I could not win no matter how fast I ran. I was going to miss a beat somewhere, because I was not fast enough. I would miss my moment and it would all be over. My heart beat faster and faster as the time went by. I was waiting day in and day out for that call. It was as if I was waiting for someone to push me off a cliff. I truly hated that feeling. It is an agonizing, unexplainable feeling that I am sure all of us have felt more than once in our lives.
I raced back and forth and all over trying to make sure I got all the time in I needed. In reality, there was no possible way to get all that time into the days that had come. I would get there and sit starring at her as if I was in trance. I couldn't believe these days were here. I knew it would not last forever, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for this to happen anytime soon. I thought I had more time, which I should know by now that we never know how many days.
I sat there thinking of all the memories and precious moments that I would have to hold on to much tighter now. I was expected to be strong, and I was; however, when nobody is watching you are silently breaking. When behind closed doors alone, you suddenly collapse and fall to pieces. The thoughts that proceed are heart wrenching. What comes next is the hardest part. You have to say goodbye to what you have known for a lifetime. You have to let go of their hand for the last time and walk away. The last laugh, the last conversation, the last hug, the last kiss on the cheek, the last time I will be in their house, and all that is left is the last. That is all you can think of right at that moment. I will never be in your arms again. I will never be able to pick up the phone and call you. I will never get to sit on the couch with you so close and safe and watch a good movie. Those times together turn into pictures in an album.
That room was so filled with love and sadness at the same time. I caressed your hair, I caressed your face, and I said grandma I am here and I love you. I stood there holding your hand and trying to keep my composure. I knew it would be the last time you and I would be hand and hand, so I made sure I held it for a long time. I felt light squeezes back from time to time, so I know she knew I was there with her.
I will never forget that night in that room. I will never forget those numbers on the door. I am trying to stay strong, because I know how strong she was. The numbness is still there, and I don't think that subsides for awhile. I silently wish it was all one big nightmare, but I know it was her time to go home. The pain was lifted, and she was reunited with so many. A great deal left that room with me that day, and it was more than just a very heavy heart or sadness. I left with a piece of my grandmother, and knowing that one day I will see her again. It is never goodbye forever. It is just...I will see you later.
I knew before the phone even rang, the day after I left that room. That was the last room we would we were ever in together. Some asked me if I would have preferred to remember her the way she was, and I do remember her the way she was. I remember that before she was moved from one room to the next we laughed and joked even in pain. It was my turn to be there for her. All those times she was there for me, it was all I could do. I was there for her and to make her feel as comfortable as I possibly could. I know that being there and being strong was what I needed to do.
She made us laugh even in moments of grief. My grandmother was one of the only people that could make me laugh until I cried without even telling a joke or making a crack. It was just a gift she had. She could take a dark cloudy day and turn it into a sun shining day. When I go outside and look at the sky, I will smile. Each time I laugh, I will think of her. My love is even stronger and everlasting.
Those three numbers I will never forget. They are imprinted in my mind.
I know it was only a room with numbers, but I remember the feeling I had before and after room 265.
It was room 265 that changed my world...