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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Burning Bridges

Lets Talk About It - From NYC w/Dana J.

We so often have trust issues that we either don’t recognize or can’t get past. I hear it all the time. This often stems from some trauma from our past. Whether it is a friendship or breakup, it does not matter. It hurts all the same. They say to let the past go and move on; however, it is much more complicated than just moving on. We must actually deal with it and work through it. It takes time, so either people can be there for or they can walk away. If they are a real friend they will stick around and possibly set boundaries until you are ready to reach out and be honest. Boundaries are ok if we are honest about them and explain the reasoning behind it. We don’t want to be surprised by a boundary. People preach about honesty and being honest but yet they are often not honest with themselves. They say practice what you preach, but let’s face it we do not always follow that advice. That is just our human nature. We are only human, and we are going to make mistakes. Do we learn from them? Sometimes it takes a few I am sorry’s before we realize we might burn a bridge or strain a friendship or relationship. I don’t believe any true relationship is full of grace all the time. Some are more challenging than others, so it is just a matter of people willing to keep you in their lives when you are both at your best and worst. That is not to say it is ok to continue walking down a path of destruction with your friends.

We all have a right to be treated with dignity and respect. Though it might be unintentional we mess up from time to time. Sometimes it is bad and sometimes it is minor, but we do have to understand when a friend lets us know we are crossing a line. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Nobody wants fair weather friends, but we have to be real always not just part-time. We can’t assume and judge when we have no idea what that person is going through if we do not take the time to find out. When you know a friend is struggling you should be reaching out too not waiting for them to reach out to you. It is not a one way street. The line that you are too busy will not fly. There is always another way of saying you can’t talk at the moment. You might not think you are relaying a negative message, but indeed you are. Breaking news…we are ALL busy with living our lives. Nobody is busy 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Make time not excuses. Nobody enjoys feeling like they are sitting on the sidelines or a burden. Now our thoughts and mind spinning is possibly legit or of our own doing. When it is of our own doing, we must own that and deal with it. We can’t put our problems on someone else or get upset with them because they are not mind readers. Open your heart, be authentic, and say what you feel in a non passive-aggressive way.
Everything is on our terms by choice. We choose who we want as friends and in our life for the long haul and we know the ones that are fakes or convenience friends. One could have thousands of friends, but the true ones are probably only counted on one…maybe two hands. We soon find out when storms roll in who is still standing there and who ran. We often shut down and fear the unknown. We are afraid of letting people into our hearts and love us because we accept what we think we deserve. Some are still learning for whatever reason caused them to be the way they are. Our perceptions are easily distorted when the time is not taken to really look deep inside a person if you truly care about your circle of people. Someone I know said that they have requirements now. We all have our insecurities and faults, but we can’t project it on to those we care about because we feel we have a right too. We don’t have a right to be angry at someone who is only there to show up for us.
We must communicate with each other not push or pull away when we reach out, which to some degree we all have done or still do. Some of us are working on it and others choose to remain that way due to the fear they can’t seem to let go of. It is not ok to take life out on innocent people. They are not the ones that hurt you. That is what we must recognize in our friendships. We might have a reason to be a victim, but it doesn’t excuse us from acting out. In fact, we must learn to not be the victim rather a survivor. You don’t want to have regrets from having a negative impact on your relationships. If you push long enough, people will eventually back off. It won’t be as easy to mend that strain or prove yourself. That will possibly take time now that it was done enough times. They love and understand, but it doesn’t mean it becomes so challenging they need space and to back off for awhile. If it is a strong connection and relationships, in good time it will all be ok.
How many times have we woke up and thought I can’t believe I ruined such a good thing. Will it ever get back to the way it was? We miss that person and the way things were before rock bottom. That bridge you once were able to run back and forth on so easily is literally burning in front of you. It does not matter whose fault it is. What matters is that you don’t let the bridge completely burn. Once that happens, it will be more than mending and healing. There are a thousand questions that will run through our minds on why or what could I have done or do different. The truth is, just let it work itself out. It will. Trust me. If it doesn’t, than that person might just be a fair weather friend. Nobody wants those anyway. If we just trust a little more and open our hearts up to the possibility that people are there to listen and want to be there to love and care if we allow them in to do just that.

Let them forgive you, but don’t continue to make the same mistakes. Don’t fear them or be afraid to open up. When we say we don’t want to bother you or don’t feel like talking, chances are that is a lie. We must get it out and that is what friends are there for. Vent and move on. If we cut them out before they have a chance, we only causing frustration when they know the truth. You are not fine or ok. That is the words of someone who is most definitely the opposite. It becomes a mantra. People don’t want you thinking for them or putting words in their mouth. They want you to simply speak...

If we lose them in some form or for good, we can only hope it is not forever. We can only have faith they care and love enough to want that bridge to be rebuilt. Those rare friends and connections only come along once in a lifetime. Cherish them and be grateful. We are all just looking for the same thing: Good company and lots of love, good times, and great conversation.

Fear is of anger as anger is of fear. They feed off of each other. When you think you are doing people a favor by burning bridges for them, you are only doing what is in your mind. You get what you ask for at some point. Instead of communicating with them you made the decision for them that you are not worthy of their time. You can’t complain or get angry when they stop responding in the way that you desperately needed but denied. You started the fire all on your own, and that would drive anybody nuts. We just might be surprised when we simply let go and let come out what needs to come out.
Choose to live openly and with your heart not your head. We can't place blame whe it something we know we created. We want to talk about real and true friends, but it is not a free pass to take advantage of that love and compassion. It is ok to be lost and make mistakes, but...
The question is, will you let that fire grow or will you put it out before the bridge is gone!

Keep the faith, believe, love big, smile often, and laugh always


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